My Postpartum Depression Story : The Muddled Mother

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My Postpartum Depression Story : The Muddled Mother

When my first daughter arrived in 2012 I found everything kind of fit into place. She fit into our family, slept well and was a content baby. For the first year of her life we sat in a bubble with no care for the outside world. When people said how exhausted they were or hard they were finding it, I honestly couldn’t understand them.

Things were quiet different second time around and I soon realised how naive I had been. I had a rotten pregnancy with painful SPD, polyhydramnios, being severely anaemic and Mr T arrived at 37 weeks. My waters broke early and I was induced, but because I was so anaemic I needed an iron transfusion. I was feeling like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. I felt so much pressure to get home asap and I’m certain now looking back, that I rushed myself before I was ready.

The recovery after birth was slow, with bleeding for 10 weeks postpartum and taking nasty iron tablets. Mr T had severe reflux and my 3 year old daughter did not bond with her sibling and was quiet resentful of him. Looking back it’s no surprise that I developed postpartum depression. However, at the time I was unable to admit what was going on. I kept faking that I was doing OK. I plastered on a fake smile and shared beautiful photos over social media of my perfect little family, but inside I was crying.

My Postpartum Depression Story | Postnatal Depression | Baby Blues | Mental Health For Mums | Perinatal Mental Health | Maternal Mental Health | Baby Blues |


It took 5 months for things to come to a head. My husband was working nights and I was desperately trying to keep on top of my washing with Mr T throwing up on everything with his reflux. I ‘d just about managed to get a load dry in the summer sun. When in true English style the heavens opened and everything was soaked in seconds. Running around I desperately trying to salvage what I could, but in a fit of rage, emotion and pain, I chucked the dryer across my kitchen and collapsed, defeated and broken.

I was so upset that what ever I tried to do, I couldn’t do it. Was I  failing being a home-keeper, a mother, a wife and I just couldn’t keep doing this. I was ready to run away and wanted to escape my life. My darling 3 year old walked over to me and cuddled and kissed me and told me it was OK. I saw the concern and sadness in her eyes and that moment I knew this is not the mother I want my daughter to grow up with. It is not her job to make me happy and I needed to get me back.

My Postpartum Depression Story : Recovering

After starting antidepressants a few days later, things seemed to get worse before they were better. Unfortunately I was passed around numerous times and my medication was being increased at every doctors appointment with little effect. Once I took the time to research things for myself I found I could actually try different antidepressants, which I was told initially I couldn’t because of breastfeeding. I started my new medication and did feel a difference in my mood and my motivation. Shortly after I started CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), which gave me some coping mechanisms for day to day life.

I had a bad set back in late October after going through a rough patch and not being able to get hold of my medication. With the help of the CRISIS team and being put on more medications, I was able to eventually come out the other side, stronger and happier. I have spent hours reading books and learning to understand myself in a whole new way. Support groups on Facebook literally became my life line and the support I have had has been amazing.

It’s been a very long road, with a few bumps in the road, but I have survived. The best piece of advice I got was to just survive the day, one day at a time. I have learnt to let go of the mummy guilt. I understand there was nothing I could have done to prevent this and it is an illness. I’m a great mum and always have been, but my own head wouldn’t let me see that.

Bio : The Muddled Mother I am The Muddled Mother, I blog about parenting, everyday life, my postpartum depression and anxiety. I am honest with my experiences and hope that I can also offer some comfort to others going through this, that they are not alone.

Edited by Mummyitsok


Hi! I’m Julie. I write about all things related to mum life. I’m also a postpartum depression survivor. I love helping mum start their mum blog journey and I have step-by-step guides to help!


  1. February 28, 2017 / 6:12 am

    thats story is so much me…but this depression came when my baby turned two..i suddenly felt i couldnt do anything in life and i just wanted to hold back and sit at home and do nothing…right now i am constantly telling and working upon my self and i feel i can recover soon …thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. June 20, 2017 / 3:29 am

    Having our own support group is really helpful because “support groups” help us in our battles in life. Thank you for sharing your story. In all honesty, you are truly one brave woman. 🙂

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