My Postpartum Depression Is The Devil In Me
Depression is a demon. But to me Postpartum Depression is the devil. It rips all emotion from you and leaves you with an empty vessel.
The child you’ve wanted for years, the scenarios you’ve imagined and the emotions you expected to feel are gone. You don’t want to be near the child. There is nothing further from your mind than playing the happy family and all you want to do is curl up and wake up in twenty years time once the child has grown up.
For me, when I have a bout of depression my bedroom is my solace, I sit in the dark and switch off (or at least try to). It is almost like a reset button where I can calm down, regain my positive thoughts and then I am ready to face the world. If its not our bedroom, a nice long soak in a bubble bath always did the trick.
Watching a programme or two on my iPad in the bath made me disappear into an imaginary world and before I know it my emotions resurface to match the mood of the TV programme.
Since having Ben, his crib is in our room and his bath is in our bathroom. There is no escape, no imaginary world and definitely no time for a shower let alone a bubble bath. My usual tools to aid my recovery are there but oh so far away. I think this is hindering my recovery as although it is there, its just not within reach when Hubby is at work.
Postpartum Depression Does Get Better
As Ben has got older his demands have changed. He doesn’t cluster feed and he can sit up unaided which means I can leave him on the bathroom floor whilst I wash, but when I want to escape having him there is a reminder that my life isn’t my own anymore.
My PPD stems from the fact that I wanted this life for so long, but now I have it I don’t want it. Don’t get me wrong I love Ben and would NEVER do anything to harm him, but there are definitely times (and not just fleeting thoughts) when I wish I could go back in time and not have him.
I feel like a horrible person saying this, but I think sometimes to move forward you have to accept your darkest thoughts. Mine is the fact that now I’ve finally become a mother, I wish I wasn’t.
This doesn’t make me a bad mum though. This in a way makes me a good mum???? I can recognise the issue and work on my demons.
Right now, my current stage of PPD is as I call it the latter stage. I’m no longer crying, angry or wanting to lay in bed staring at nothing all day. I get up, I do the daily chores and play with Ben. I’m feeling better in myself but know it is still there lingering, waiting for a few bad days to pull me back down.
I like to think that blogging is my therapy, by writing my thoughts down it gets out of my head. I get clarity and space to welcome happy thoughts. I’d like to think my PPD is improving. I’m hoping that going back to work will also help as I will get adult interaction.
However I also worry that working full-time as well as being a parent is going to render me a walking zombie! Rick and Darryl watch out!
BIO : Mrs Mummy Harris lives with her Hubby and 7 month old Son Benjamin in Essex. 2017 sees a return to work after nearly 9 months off on maternity leave. Mrs Mummy Harris turned her hand to Blogging as a way to share her experiences parenting and to join a community where support and understanding is widely received. Website: www.mrsmummyharris.co.uk
Hi! I’m Julie. I write about all things related to mum life. I’m also a postpartum depression survivor. I love helping mum start their mum blog journey and I have step-by-step guides to help!